The Sandwich is Really a Panini – Segment 2

In the first segment of our discussion on being part of the sandwich generation, we covered the challenges of caring for and looking after your aging parents, while at the same time having obligations concerning your own children, who may just be finishing college, looking to establish themselves and hopefully become financially independent. The ensuing demands can be time intense, financially complex and almost always stressful.

Being in the “sandwich” for any length of time can lead to:

• Feelings of frustration and pressure while juggling and multi-tasking
• Personal health problems caused by lack of rest
• Associated guilt if you can’t get as much done as you’d like to
• Eventual burnout

However, there are some steps you can take to make the situation more manageable.

When attempting to manage this difficult period, consider a plan that can both consolidate and delegate your responsibilities. Think long term, the sandwich is typically a marathon, not a sprint.

If you find yourself in the position of assisting your own children, use constructive advice to point them in the right direction, and resist the impulse to step in and perform the task for them. Consider “how to” books for certain projects, encourage seeking financial expertise to save money and pay down debt, refer to other family members when appropriate, and of course step in when necessary to assist. Explain how you managed a similar project or challenge yourself and set a good example to follow. Be the “roadmap”, not the road.

As for the top of the sandwich, your aging parents, sit down with them and discuss family and community resources that are available that can take some of the pressure off you. Most town and county governments have an office of the aging, and local libraries occasionally sponsor workshops on this subject as well. There are elder attorneys who specialize in financial matters including estate planning. This discussion will set the stage for what is to come, including a plan to keep them safe and well cared for.

If you have safety concerns for a parent living alone, consider installing a medical alert system. These systems work with an existing phone system and 24/7 monitoring is available to alert an operator in case of an emergency. The operator can then communicate with the person in distress, assess the situation, and alert the proper authorities.

Arranging for home care for a parent in decline is a good option and most physicians are totally supportive of referring for services, which can include an RN, home health aide and physical therapist. The RN will perform an overall assessment including a review of all current medications, while the PT can provide exercises and make recommendations for needed adaptive equipment. Examples could include an assistive device for ambulation or a shower bench to make bathing easier and safer. Occasionally a social worker will make a visit to assess whether placement in an assisted living facility or nursing home is warranted.

If you have the space, and both you and your dependent parent agrees, consider having them move in with you to increase the convenience of caring for or providing supervision for their care. This arrangement also has the added benefit of consolidating expenses, such as utilities. For delegation, ask other family members to share the task of caring for grandma or grandpa. If the arrangement works out, consider selling your parents’ house to free up cash and eliminate the worry of maintaining their house.

Stay organized and keep good records, especially for dependent parents or other relatives. A journal for caregivers to communicate with each other and a calendar for appointments are valuable. Also, keep track of expenses and receipts, you may be entitled to tax breaks for providing care, as well as the possibility of deducting certain expenses on parents’ tax returns. A tax expert can provide more detail in this area.

Once you’ve maximized consolidation of your responsibilities and delegated as much as you can, don’t be afraid to set boundaries as to what you can reasonably manage, especially where your time is concerned. As you navigate this trying period, be sure to include enough down time to do things you enjoy and never hesitate to ask for help when necessary.