LOOK LEFT, LOOK RIGHT, STEP FORWARD BY The Gent

It’s time for a bit of levity. You'd think people would have a pretty good idea as to how exactly to keep things clean between their cheeks from wipe to wash. But that doesn’t seem to be true. I have some cleansing thoughts. No, it’s not the confessional. I hope these “pearls of wisdom” will be helpful to some who are still having trouble wiping.

There are several schools of thought on the subject. Should you stand up or do it sitting down? How many wipes does it take? When do I know it’s completely clean? We all want the bu@@hole squeaky clean when you're finished.

Here is my take on the subject. The “experts” say, you should wipe your butt sitting down because your cheeks are well spread and wipe from front to back. I disagree. For those of us who are challenged from the waist whether a little or a lot I believe you should wipe standing up with one foot propped on the toilet bowl (seat up, of course). In this manner, you have easier access to the “issue at hand” no pun intended! The cheeks are still spread. Following that step, you should have three to four wrappings of toilet paper ready for the “onslaught.” I believe three is the minimum if you have extra you can easily wipe off the neighbor on the other side if need be! For a premium thorough butt wash I recommend a washcloth half wet and half dry nearby for the final gentle touches. A seat in the bathroom with a towel on it can also give you an extra buff at no charge! If you could afford a bidet more power to you.

Now here is my I SHOULDN’T TELL but if it helps one of my older friends it’s worth the criticism. Constipation is not a happy feeling. At times with too much medication or the wrong diet you jam up. I don’t care what hand you use but that middle finger is not just for flipping the bird at people. It can be a good rotor rooter. Surgically scrub hands as needed afterward. ;) JG